# 13 Obsession, incestuous rape, injustice and murderous cold blooded revenge

This is a truly awful story which shows some very dark sides of human nature. The events are extreme and well outside  my own experience, nevertheless there are things about the characters I find disturbingly relatable. In fact, I think this story sticks in my mind because I share many character flaws with the characters in the story. It makes me grateful for the restraints, rules, oversight, expectations and other things which by God's Grace have held me back from doing the kinds of things my evil heart can desire to do.

## Obsession

> $^1$Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. $^2$And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her.

I remember my Dad giving me some simple, sensible advice which would have saved all the trouble which comes in this tale if Amnon had followed it. He said something along the lines of; if there's a girl you like, first ask yourself, is it ok to be in a relationship with her and would she be a good person to be in a relationship with? If the answer is no to either, put her out of your mind and don't let yourself think about her. If the answer is yes to both questions, don't just dream about her, tell her and see what happens. Be ready to accept rejection if that's what happens, or to be committed to her. But don't just think about her, you'll go funny in the head.

Amnon should never have allowed himself to think about his half sister Tamar. The Mosaic law forbids relations between siblings including half siblings in Leviticus 18. Amnon should have known this and realised he needed to forget about Tamar. Even if he didn't have a conscience himself, he should have been afraid of his father King David. However, Amnon may have seen how David failed to punish Joab (David's uncle) for murdering Abner and reasoned that when it came to family, the law didn't apply as far as David was concerned.

"Going funny in the head" is definitely an understatement of what happens if you just think about and fantasise about being with someone. It fosters a deluded way of thinking, a sense of entitlement, dissatisfaction and more besides. The passage says "Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill". The passage makes it clear that Amnon has a choice, he's responsible for getting himself in a state. I feel very much that the writer is being deliberately ironic when he says "Amnon ... loved her". If he truly loved her he would want what was best for her, which would not include an  incestous relationship with himself. Nor would it involve her losing her virginity before marriage to make it easier for him to "do anything to her" since she would be an outcast already, and probably less well looked after. The language is a million miles away from describing the kind of unity, companionship and selfless service characteristic of true love. 

>Better is open rebuke
>than hidden love.
*Proverbs 27:5*

I think part of the wisdom of this proverb is showing how twisted love becomes if we don't express it in an appropriate way. Love is inherently relational and involves giving in various ways to the beloved. It becomes worse than meaningless if it is hidden, it turns bad.

## Bad company

Amnon's cousin (King David's nephew) Jonadab notices Amnon looking "haggard" and asks him what is the matter. When Amnon tells him he loves Tamar, Jonadab advises 

>$^5$Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’

This is just what Amnon wants to hear but least needs to hear. Unfortunately now instead of seeing how twisted his desires are from talking to someone wise, he sees a way to do the evil he wants to do with Tamar. 

It is tempting to seek out friends who will only affirm you and justify you.  We all need friends who love us in spite of our faults, and love us enough to risk a bad reaction from rebuking us when we're wrong.

>Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
>profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
*Proverbs 27:6*

We should strive to be the sort of friend who is ready to tell painful truths and try to steer our friends away from making terrible choices.

So Amnon follows Jonadab's terrible advice. David and Tamar are seemingly oblivious of any malign motive. 

## Incestuous rape

>$^{8-14}$So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house, where he was lying down. And she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, “Send out everyone from me.” So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her.

It is a particularly sinister aspect to the plan that Amnon is playing on Tamar's kindness and/or submissiveness. 

>If anyone returns evil for good,
>evil will not depart from his house.
*Proverbs 17:13*

There are details that are omitted. It isn't made clear, but it seems likely to me that Amnon has given orders ahead of time to his attendants to go and not come back if they hear Tamar crying for help, maybe even to keep others away who are not in on the plot. This is speculation, but if it wasn't the case surely someone would have come back when they heard Tamar in distress. Furthermore, after it's over the  servants do return when Amnon calls. The thought of a whole group of people being involved together is  particularly chilling aspect to the tale. It is a stark warning of the perils of power. 

Tamar's appeal to her brother is tragic in several ways. She appeals to Amnon to think of the harm he is going to do to her. She appeals to him to think about his own reputation and honour. Neither of these things makes any difference. But it is the last thing she says that strikes me as the saddest, she says their father David wouldn't withhold her from him. You would hope she would think David would never give one of his daughters to one of his sons, but she seems convinced he would. Despite his good qualities David has some very serious flaws. I never get any impression that he had any respect for women. After the death of Jonathan, David said;

>I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
>very pleasant have you been to me;
>your love to me was extraordinary,
>surpassing the love of women.
*2 Samuel 1:26*

Some interpret this as suggesting a homoerotic relationship. I don't think this is the case at all. These we're friends who fought alongside each other who probably owed each other their lives multiple times over. Their friendship is a model of faithfulness. But this verse, as well as emphasising the strength of their friendship also emphasises the deficiency of David's ability to love a woman in the way God intended. At the point David wrote those words his first wife has been taken away and given to another man. Why didn't David go and get her back? David wasn't lacking in bravery or daring. It seems to be a lack of love. Instead of going after her he begins the process (which he continues into old age) of acquiring more wives and concubines, hence the plural "women". The influence of a respected father who lacks respect for women cannot have been insignificant in creating an environment where Amnon did what he did.

Men are typically bigger and stronger than women. Men should use their strength to protect the weak; children, the sick, the elderly and women. It is a horrible and perverse use of a man's God given physical strength to take advantage of a woman.

>$^{15-17}$Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, “Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her.”

The way that Amnon's love turns to hatred is another proof that he did not love Tamar at all. It also shows how much evil desires mess with our minds. Amnon probably hoped that Tamar would want him too and probably imagined things going differently. Her rejection wounded his pride. Forcing himself on her wouldn't have given him the satisfaction he craved, she didn't go along with it willingly as he probably hoped. So he sends her away. 

Tamar's plea that he doesn't send her away seems pretty odd. But she is in an impossible situation, it's the heat of the moment and she's distraught. The law forbade incest, but we've already seen she isn't confident in the law being upheld. What has happened has massively reduced her chances of marrying someone else. The law also does forbid rape, it is punishable by death. But Joab got away with murder, wouldn't Amnon get away with this? The most she seemed to hope for was that as per the law a man should be obliged to marry and provide for a woman he'd slept with outside of marriage. She didn't even get this, although I think this was for the best given Amnon's character.

## Injustice

>$^{21}$When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.

Anger is the proper response to this. But King David didn't actually do anything besides feeling angry. This is typical of David's responses to members of his family doing wrong. He may have felt he was being merciful. He may have realised it wasn't so much being merciful but just not having the heart to punish people he loved. But he was in a position of responsibility and that position meant he needed to be just and impartial and in that he completely failed. 

Dealing out punishment is not pleasant. The Lord himself says he has no pleasure in the death of the wicked. But justice is not evil, on the contrary, it is a necessary response to evil. Its absence can contribute to future evils. In the book of Judges, the  repeated phrase "everyone did what was right in his own eyes" is used against a backdrop of increasing violence and depravity. Being free to act with impunity is not a good thing. David might have spared his family members punishment from his own hands, but he was leaving them a free hand to sin against each other.

For anyone in a position of responsibility this is important. We may not carry the weight of responsibility of a king, but as parents, managers, church leaders or whatever, we must not be partial. We must be fair neither giving vent to our own rage disproportionately nor letting things go that need to be dealt with. This is hard. 

We have no idea how Amnon conducted himself after this. But would you expect the servant girls in the palace were safe? He'd got away with raping a princess and was still on the loose. If he'd been sentenced to death, the punishment may have brought him to repent before he died. The lack of consequences may have helped him vindicate himself in his own eyes.

For victims it is impossible to erase the wrong done to them, but there is healing in seeing justice done. This was denied to Tamar. 

>Tamar lived, a desolate woman

How could it have seemed like she mattered to her father after this? What would it have been like to bump into Amnon around the palace who now hated her? 

>$^{20-22}$And her brother Absalom said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart.” So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s house. When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.

The only person who seemed to truly love Tamar is her full brother Absalom. The lack of justice affects him deeply too. On the positive side, he takes it upon himself to provide for Tamar. But on the negative side he hates his brother. Hating someone damages the soul. It is a miserable thing to hate someone. Absalom internalised his hatred of Amnon, he didn't confront him, he avoided him completely. By doing so he made it easier to dehumanise him, to demonise him.

## Revenge

The only thing we know Absalom said aloud about what Amnon had done would suggest Absalom had forgiven him, or didn't take it seriously. "He is your brother; do not take this to heart." Creating the illusion that Amnon was forgiven was potentially useful so he could catch him off guard. But it also got in the way of Absalom offering meaningful comfort to his sister. She must surely have longed to feel that Absalom understood the pain she was in. Instead, he'd basically told her not to worry about it, like it was nothing, even though to him it was far from being nothing. Sin has a tendency to give rise to more sin. Absalom's hatred bred a deception which ironically hurt the sister whose mistreatment gave rise to the hatred in the first place.

Absalom bided his time for two years before making his move. How much of that time would Amnon have been in his mind? He probably thought about Amnon every day.

Initially Absalom tried to invite his father the king along with everyone to the sheep shearing. I wonder if Absalom  had convinced himself that his father would approve of what he'd decided to do. Although going by what happens later, I suspect Absalom may have had at least one more victim in mind. David politely refuses, and Absalom specifically asks if Amnon can come. David asks why Amnon should go with him but Absalom presses David and he lets Amnon go. It's not clear if David suspects something is up or not. 

Like Amnon, Absalom gets his servants involved in the plot.

>Then Absalom commanded his servants, “Mark when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon,’ then kill him. Do not fear; have I not commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant.” So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded.

After the murder the rest of the king's sons flee and initially a false report comes to David that Absalom has killed all of David's sons

>But Jonadab the son of Shimeah, David’s brother, said, “Let not my lord suppose that they have killed all the young men, the king’s sons, for Amnon alone is dead. For by the command of Absalom this has been determined from the day he violated his sister Tamar. Now therefore let not my lord the king so take it to heart as to suppose that all the king’s sons are dead, for Amnon alone is dead.”

It would be nice to see some contrition from Jonadab here. But he conveniently leaves out his part in the sorry story. He doesn't show any remorse that his scheming helped Amnon have his way with Tamar and ultimately led to his death. He's happy to be the bearer of bad news, but he doesn't want people to know his part in making the news.

After the murder Absalom flees. All his brothers and David mourn for Amnon. The chapter ends by saying how after David finished mourning for Amnon he then starts to mourn for Absalom. 

It's a dreadful tale. But I don't believe the characters in it are any more evil than I am. I am of the opinion that power, wealth and the respect of others bring a host of temptations and opportunities to sin which many people don't have. It can amplify the consequences of people's actions and choices and make people free to do things others might not be free to do. I think it's a good to ask, what evil might I be capable of if I knew no one would ever know? Or if I knew no one could or would stop me? Or if some conviction I had that something was wrong, I didn't have any longer. What if someone had wronged me or someone I love much more deeply than anything I've known till now? What evil might I be capable of? Conversely, if I was much less powerful, what evil might I be pressured into doing, like the servants in this story? What evil have I desired to do that I didn't do, not because I didn't want to do wrong, but because I didn't want the inevitable punishment?   
Are we less evil than those who have sinned more spectacularly than us? Or do we only appear so because of all the restraints that have held us back?